21 August, 2007 <3
Friends come and go. Even the close friends that you thought would be with you through. But somehow I gained an understanding that friends are fair-weathered.
Have I not been there to face the world with you? Have I not spared a hug or two when you teared? I was there to hold you when you were sacred. But now, where are you when I need you? Didn't we promise to be friends forever? I loved you girl, I did.
There's tears in my eyes now and who's there to wipe it off my cheeks? When I'm feeling so lost and terrified, who's there to lend me a hug or even a shoulder? Everyone have their own problems and affairs. Some were lucky, they had someone by their side to listen to their laments, cheer them up or simply be there. But when I needed a listening ear, I come running to Mr. Blogger again. How much fears have I been hiding? How much pain in me have I been ignoring? I'm tired, just like anyone after running for days. I just wanna fall back and sleep. But who's there to watch the night for me?
I turn to music all the time. I hide my feelings in the world of tunes and no words. I learned to ignore those feelings. Yet when it comes to darkness, I fall right through that pit with no one there to save me.
Everyone have their expectations of me. Everyone is asking me of this and that. And all I ask of is much simpler. I just want some comfort. I cannot run away time and time again. I am losing myself. I've tried to change for the better to meet up all the expectations. It's not easy and I'm tired after such long runs. I just want some support. Not countless words telling me how I should continue to change, putting effort into doing it better as it's not even close to what's asked for.
All the efforts seem to have gone down the drain, the tears are back, the pain is submerged. And my mind needs a break. I have feelings too. I need rests too.
In work, in love and in friends. Everyday I'm striving to live what's asked of me. Not even recognition; instead I'm facing criticizes every now and then. Facing life seems like a chore now. When I try to satisfy one, the other says that I am not doing my things right. When I try to find a win-win situation, I'm being said as not doing anything well. Is this what life have in store for me?
I just want a simple life.
I'm not as good as you think. And I'm not as smart as you think. I'm not as clever as you think I am. Sometimes I don't even comprehend the things that I'm expected to know. But everyone is expecting me to understand, they are looking at me like I'm some genuis that I am not. They think they know me inside out when they know nuts, I have been the one listening and not speaking. Then, who'd know what's going on?
There are times that I put on a front, not wanting anyone to share my burden with me because I know that they have too much for themselves to settle. I have been patient, waiting to be heard. And now I am tired. I have been waiting for nothing. All promises are broken once again. The hopes of having a family.
And the one that was never kept. For the past seven years, all that was said by you. Till this very day, no promises were kept.
I just need someone to understand me and stop giving me false hopes when I believed so much. I know I am not good enough. Don't promise me when you are unsure in the first place.
"up to you to think, I won't wanna say much. Be a better person, period."
The world is crashing down on me. And you won't be here for me.Our Endless Love<3
6:36 AM
