05 December, 2007 <3
Reading this entry might be a waste of time.. It's long and boring. But I just wanna express my train of thoughts....
I feel that I am living in contradiction. Or is it just a form is consolation? Like what Jasmine says, it's just a form of "an wei" to make people feel better...
It takes ages to build up a strong relationship. But it takes just three seconds to spoil it all. Or is it that the people from the society now are more selfish in comparison with the previous generations? That they forget how things were started when it's about to end? Isn't it supposed to be the process that's important?
Often, people in relationships look for reciprocation. But for me, I have people around me that really makes me happy, makes me feel loved and appreciated. But what is it that is missing? I feel that it's more than that. It's not just understanding someone.. It's not just accepting someone.. It's more than companionship, it's more than reciprocating. Love comprises of so much and I feel that I am not fit to be in love or to give anyone love. Four letters, L-O-V-E means so much. It's so vague yet it's this simple.
There are times we know deep down, what is right and what is wrong. Yet we tend to question and search answers on others when the ultimate answer is staring right at us. At the same time, avoiding the music. Aren't we taught to face the music? Why am I running away? There's no confusion, it's contradiction. I simply cannot make up my mind and be firm with what's right over wrong. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I know that once I've made up my mind upon certain things, it hardly ever changes. That is the reason I am always not able to make up my mind.
I am being told that I hold the key to my fate and I have all the rights to make decisions for my very own self. I left my comfort zone and started a journey on my own. I know what I want and deep down I have an answer for myself. There's no need for me sitting here fretting about tomorrow, but I still am suffering from insomnia. Because, all I am looking for is just... Assurance.. I have lost all my confidence that I used to posses.
The moment I fell, I knew I am afraid. Who's not afraid of getting burned after being burnt once? I once heard that nothing breaks your spirit more than poverty. But I think there is something - failure.
Being an asian has made me afraid of falling. The pride that we asians carry and the self esteem that is born in us has made us too strong that once we fall, we find it more difficult to hold ourselves up again. Yet, it's the self esteem that makes us more determined to start all over again. (contradiction)
Isn't it intoxicating? To watch life after a drastic change has been made. To change all over again, to live a different life. To live again, to reconstruct from basics. It's easier for me because I am still young. I do not own any real assets like cars and houses. I can fall and get back to my feet in no time. I may be innocent but I am not naive. Does this make me a complicated person? I think otherwise.
It's my life, I should be responsible and I have to learn how to answer for my own actions. This sentence has been said to me many times of my life, since the day that I could understand it. But till today, then I had a better understanding of it. To answer for my own actions is not just to myself. It includes people who cares for me and people who loves me. The fact that I am a freedom lover has made many people worried about me. I don't usually have the habit of reporting to someone, letting someone know all about my whereabouts. The fact that I am always on my own has made me so independent that I am tired. I am weary. I like the feeling of being looked after.
The idea of someone being worried about me made me skipped a beat. For once, I felt that I should start to be committed to someone. I feel obliged to take care of myself and make sure that I am safe. I finally understood that I do not belong to just myself. I belong in somebody's heart. Not just one. Though. Not the obligation to someone with powers to affect my decisions, but that of responsibility.
Today, I was made to realise that I have to speak for my own happiness, I don't have to live the way I am expected to live. Just as long as I can answer for my own actions.
I'm feeling blessed to be cared for. I am tired and I just wanna fall asleep in your arms under your protection.Our Endless Love<3
1:37 AM
