04 February, 2009 <3
Here to rant.......
I find that there are many things I am dissatisfied about and I kept complaining about them. It's not that I really cannot accept those things, just that I feel better after complaining. It's not that bad sometimes....
Anyway, it's a tough time of my life right now. I am being forced to give up something that I really want and it's something that means very much to me. I know that I can still get it few years down the road, but giving up seems to be a very difficult thing to so.
I've tried speaking to Zen about it, because I needed someone to hear my complaints, but he just gave me a very straightforward solution. Well, I do not really need an idea of what I should do or what am I supposed to be doing. I know very well what's happening, and it's crashing down on me. Therefore I wish he can be there to listen to my rants.
I tried so hard to fake a smile today, and I failed. He kept asking me what's wrong, but I cannot seem to bring myself to tell him. I can't seem to take it, I know what his reaction will be. I know he will ask me to forget about it, let it go and blah blah blah. I know all these very well, I can even spell them backwards. But that's not what I need to know, I am not asking questions.. I just want someone to confide into, and I wish it's the person I love. Is it a very difficult request?
Whenever I complaint, it might not be because I am affected by it. I is just a remark or a simple comment. Why does he have to read so deep into it and deem that I am being bothered by things around me? I'm so puzzled.
I need to go somewhere alone and cry my heart out. I mean it. Before I break down and go crazy. I'm soooooooooo devastated right now and I wish he can hear my voice.
I need some time alone. I don't want to fake a smile and act as though nothing is happening, nothing is bothering me. I have troubles too, I can't be happy everyday. Life is not a bed of roses, and I am facing this fact. It's harsh on me and I wish you'd be there. Don't expect me to smile and laugh all the time, be bubbly and cheerful everyday, because I am human, I have emotions.
There's a voice within me, and it's screaming for help. But you can't seem to hear it no matter how loud it tries to shout. It's hurting me badly.
Save me. Bring me out of this fucking mess.
欲哭无泪的滋味。。。Our Endless Love<3
1:32 AM
